THE FOLLOWING IS A SUMMARIZED STATEMENT TO THE PRESS, ISSUED BY MICHAEL WEISHAN THIS AFTERNOON REGARDING HIS INVOLVEMENT IN THE STANDOFF CURRENTLY BREWING OUTSIDE BOSTON:
FIRST QUESTION: Okay, I admit it: I got lazy last week and carelessly left the rototiller parked next to the new vegetable garden. It was only there for a few days.
How was I, unsuspecting gardener that I am, to know that my sophisticated tiller, supposedly equipped with all the latest security devices, could be so easily high-jacked by some two-bit, rogue squash vine? And a volunteer tendril at that, sprouted from the left-over dregs of some rotted-out, forgotten old cucurbit from last season?
SECOND QUESTION: It’s true: Federal negotiators have already arrived at the scene. A tense standoff continues. The tiller sits just off the tarmac, silent, immobile, awaiting rescue; the vine: gloating, rampant, defies all comers. It’s hard to imagine a happy outcome.
THIRD AND FINAL QUESTION: No, as I’ve already told my attorney, I can in no way be held liable for this blatant act of homegrown terrorism. I couldn’t know.…
(SHOUTED TO THE PRESS AS WEISHAN WAS HUSSLED AWAY BY ASSOCIATES) Yes, yes, I PROMISE: next time I will most certainly put away the bloody rototiller!